Change. I started 2010 with the intent to change. I was at a point where I was tired of existing in my life, tired of the status quo. I’ve heard it said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing repeatedly, expecting different results. So, change. It has been a full 12 months now.
- My weight. This was the “big change” I had in mind, like countless others do in the aftermath of the holiday eating season. I’ve not dropped the big pounds like I thought I should. I did drop about 8 pounds, but that’s not really the change. The big change was in my motivation and focus. I was finally honest with myself that the real reason I wanted to lose weight was so I could be skinny, wear cute clothes and attract the “Wow, you look great!” attention. Somewhere in 2010, that shifted. I no longer have that inner “I need to be skinny” loop playing in my head. The guilt and shame I’ve held onto about my body are no longer there. I’m O.K. with me because of Him. Funny enough, my passion for feeding my body right is now growing which has brought the slow change in my weight. I finally realized that it isn’t about the numbers on the scale, but how my body is functioning. I mean, I knew it before, heard it before, but now I GET it.
- My housekeeping. This was somewhere on the radar in the beginning. I knew I was drowning in clutter and disorganization, but had no idea how to fix it. “The state of my space is not the state of my soul” was a phrase I saw a few times, but it was of no help to me. My environment was a direct reflection of the mess I felt inside of me. I hesitate to use was because I still feel like a jumbled up mess somedays, but I am learning to lean on Him more each day. I am thankful that when I find myself in the quicksand of old habits (and wanting to stay there), He gently tugs me forward. Never in my life as a keeper of a home has my living room stayed this neat. Yes, there are messes (we LIVE in our living room), but there are no permanent piles of clutter. Progress! Change!
- I think the biggest change is the amount of guilt I carried in regards to everything. I finally realized I will never be good enough and that’s ok, because I am good enough for Him. He takes my broken, misshapen, battered, worn out pieces and make them whole, perfect and new. I don’t need the approval, the affection, the admiration of anyone because the One who matters, adores me. And that is inspiring me to do better, to BE better. I know it doesn’t matter where I am because with Him I’m always moving forward. Constantly changing, if I’m willing. He is my change. Not by my own understanding or power, but by His.
So project change is a success, but isn’t finished and never will be. And that is O.K.
I have a new project, word or name (whatever you want to title it) for 2011. I’ll tell you about that next.
Now let me wish you a belated happy, blessed new year and go write my next post!